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Grylls Land: Part Two
INCOMING TELEGRAM FROM FUTURE--'' ''"Hello again. Come back for more have you? What a shame. Oh well, if you really want more then here you go. Our story continues from where it left off, and it's now a new year. 2031, to be precise, and King Bear still reigns, but a group of four mental people have joined up to put an end to Bear Grylls' reign as King of Earth/Grylls Land." LOG #1, JANUARY 21st 2031 - ''"Dawn of the Unbearables and Twatards"'' Julian Jones is fuming. He has had to resort to living in his luxury New York penthouse that overlooks the Statue of Grylls every waking second, since King Bear took over his mansion. He complains that the penthouse is too small to his butler, which is in fact the size of a football pitch. Julian has had enough with Bear, even though he used to fancy him once, and so concocts a plan to overthrow him by contacting everyone who has been pissed off by his actions. Julian first contacts a man called...Scaryoldman, also known as SOM. This shrivelled up old coot is living under a bridge in Basildon after his shack was stamped on by the Mecha-Bear. Julian visits the run-down bridge, where he sees an odd skeletal figure in a cloak in a wheelchair wheeling around. Julian's first instinct was to whack this creature around the head with a rock, but then Julian stood on a twig which made the skeleton turn. As the wheelchair struggled to turn by the creature's stick arms, it made a deafening, rusty, screech. This was when Julian saw the wizened and creased face of Scaryoldman. Scaryoldman let out a shriek, and Julian screamed like Ned Flanders. This feminine scream let SOM know it was Julian, and so showed him his new house -- under the bridge was a cardboard box with rags in it, presumably his bed. There was a dog bowl on the floor with 'SOM' written on it. This was where SOM had his lunch. Julian almost vomited. Lastly, there was a scythe leaned against a wall. Julian explained why he was there, and showed SOM a picture of King Bear. SOM had some sort of fit when looking upon the image. Julian was confused. It turned out to be SOM raging. Julian then wheeled out SOM who put his scythe on the back of his wheelchair, and shoved him in the boot of his pink Porsche, and so set off to his next stop. LOG #2, JANUARY 22nd 2031 - ''"The Forest"'' The pink Porsche zoomed through a dense forest at 190mph, while the speed limit was 20. They had been driving all night and was now somewhere deep in the English countryside. Muffled shrieking could be heard from the boot. Julian ignored it and turned up his radio, singing along to "It's Raining Men". Julian arrived at a shack in the middle of a forest which stank of faeces and dead fish. A 7ft tall, bald fat 'man' blasted out of the shack, knocking the door of its hinges, holding a rifle of some sort. Julian screamed, again. He seemed to use this scream as proof he was Julian Jones. This was the dreaded and disgusting Fat Troll. Julian allowed SOM out of the boot to give him some air, as he was beginning to die (his lungs are the size of tennis balls these days), and let him wheel around until he lost control and fell into a steaming black pond. Julian told the Fat Troll that King Bear filled Trollopolis with cement. The Fat Troll shrugged and whacked down onto his arm chair, a spring shot out, almost hitting Julian in the face. Julian showed him pictures of Grylls Land; the Statue of Grylls, the hideous new flag, and the Mecha-Bear. The Fat Troll shrugged as he shoved a weight watchers biscuit (with wrapper) into his mouth, with crumbs falling onto his huge, round stomach. Julian then told the troll that he'd get life time supply of weight watchers biscuits once they overthrow King Bear. The Fat Troll was meant to jump out of his chair, trying to show off that he's not a hopeless lardarse, but instead his fat arse had got jammed in the armchair, causing the chair to go flying across the shit-covered room as he collapsed out of the chair, Julian screamed while this happened, skipping out the shack. After this catastrophe was over, and Julian had fished out SOM, who was now covered in a thick black goo that smelled of shit (It was decades old shit), they all got in the Porsche. The Fat Troll's head had to stick out the top of the car by a hole his brainless skull created as he squeezed inside. The twatty trio then set off to find their final recruit, and possibly their most important one. The Fat Troll asks where they are going - answer: New York. LOG #3 JANUARY 23rd 2031 - "the Search for Grammar Git" Inside the Statue of Grylls sits Grammar Git, a.k.a. Nigel Travioli Grammolian, who is strapped to a chair. The only light in the room comes from the two round windows that are the eyes of the statue. Nigel thought maybe he could suck up to King Bear and survive. Then, a silhouette appears at the door - the shadow walks closer - it's King Bear! And he's holding a pistol! King Bear is about to execute Nigel Grammolian. Nigel begins saying 85 words a second, causing his face to go red, and then blue. He then begins making "Wreee!" noises. King Bear is confused, and is about to push the trigger when WHOOSH! - Bear and Nigel look out the window and see a pink private jet pull up with an obese thing standing at an open door, holding a rocket - the thing fires it! Bear sees the rocket head for him, Nigel screams, his wooden clogs clogging loudly on the floor and then BOOM! After the smoke clears, it shows that the face of the statue has been blasted clean off. Cheering is heard in the distance. King Bear and Nigel are still alive, and the jet pulls up. The Fat Troll yanks Nigel into the jet, and it then sets off towards a tower in the distance on the island of Manhattan - Julian's penthouse tower.